On Assumptions

Hello friends,

Greetings from rainy Portland, Oregon.

Today, I’m thinking about assumptions and how they affect our interactions with the world. Some assumptions are useful. We arrive at some of our assumptions from experience. But other times? Those assumptions end up doing us harm, or cause friction in our relationships. Either we take things for granted, or we fail to see how things have changed.

I want to assume that my kettle will boil water for my tea. If that fails, I know something is wrong. I want to assume other people will treat me with respect. If that fails, I need to reassess my relationships.

But I have patterns from childhood that trained me to assume the opposite. They trained me to assume people would not like me. That I would be punished if I did not uphold some arbitrary standard of perfection. Those kinds of assumptions can be hard for us to break.

There are other damaging assumptions, too. We can look at a sliver of someone’s life and project all manner of things onto them.

This recently happened to me. On a new social media site, I shared what I think is an excellent article about the writing business and writer’s fears about navigating our current economic and global circumstances. Someone challenged the author’s premise. I countered with the author’s track record and some data from my own career.

The response? “Hope the air is nice on Mars. No offense.”

As if I live in a rarified atmosphere. As if I don’t have my own struggles. As if my life and career are always easy.

And you know what? That caused a knee jerk assumption in me about the other person, too. Until time and other things reminded me that they were likely responding from their own pain. Or maybe they were just being an asshole. I can’t know and won’t know until I have more data.

While staying at a friend’s home a couple of months ago, I was outside, drinking a cup of tea, when a cricket decided to perch on the handle of my mug. I didn’t make any assumptions about that cricket. You know why? I know the cricket is an alien creature. I don’t know much about cricket habits, and figured the handle just might have looked attractive for reasons unknown to me.

Sometimes, assumptions are good. They grease the wheels of social interaction. But other times? I want to reserve judgement. I want to act as if other people are crickets, doing their own thing, for reasons I can’t know until I ask.

Wishing you well, and hoping you have someone who knows you well enough to know when to assume, and when to ask more questions. Or just hold space.

best wishes — Thorn

My ebook collection, Leather Daddy Ghost Talker is for sale globally. Jasper is one of my favorite characters, and I’m glad to have his stories gathered in one place.